grateful for everything

I’m sorry for not contacting you any sooner but I was not ready, I know a lot has happened between us in the past 8 months since you left my house. I decided stay away for many reasons, specially for the fact that we had a very uncomfortable ending in our son and dad relationship, and there’s still a lot of thoughts and emotions that I needed and still need  to get over & work through as much as you do as well.

 I remembered Jason’s graduation 2 years ago, he did not enjoy his graduation and I remember how we were humiliated and ended up going out to diner without him and how uncomfortable it was not just for him but for everyone. It was not only painful but very humiliating for me and my family I realized how much I tried to fit in a chair that I was not worthy to seat on. 

Even after that I was getting prepared , I had just bought some new shoes and was looking for a shirt to wear to your graduation, I had your gift and even upgraded my camera gear hoping to be able to be at your graduation, I expected at least one ticket for myself. But after you said to me that there was no tickets left, that “if” I wanted to I could come by to take pictures with you after the event was worst than a slap on my face. So once again not receiving a text from you for father’s day was not surprising, that confirmed what you said to me the day we argued.

I sat down and cried for a very long time, because graduating from HS for me was the biggest achievement I made back then because I was only 19 & would only slept 4 hours before seating in front of my first period because I had to work a full time job to support myself and your mom. Also because I had  a dad that never supported me a dad that one day said to me just drop out, you’re not gonna do shit with your life anyways! šŸ™  I had no one to attend my school parents meetings or anyone to tell me that I could, or a mother that was there physically and emotionally supporting me. My dad would constantly remind me that by the time I turn 18 he wanted me to have a job, pay rent, or move the fuck out his house! Literally his words… I never planned to go to college because as an ilegal allien there was no support or loans that I could get and even if I did getting a degree without documents there was no hope I could get a decent job, so  going to college was never an option to me, as opposed to my Asian friends “not going to college was never an option”.

I was just a foreigner fighting to survive in this country not knowing where to go not knowing where I was headed to. Back then I used to make all my decisions based on my emotions, subconsciously all I was looking for was to be loved, and be surrounded with people who I could call family, I made a lot of permanent decisions on situations that were just temporary. I had no faith, I did not trust anyone, and I thought the world was against me, money was only for the ones born in the American soil, or the English speakers with no foreign accent, typical immigrant mindset.

But, God has been good to me; he teaches me something different everyday. He said to me one day that I deserve nothing in this world, so I have no further expectations from anyone, that set me free. I don’t take things personally anymore. But my ego fights back trying to get recognition, that’s when I realized I walked away from him again. He thought me to be grateful even for simply being able to smell, and to taste, I’m grateful for all the particles that were put together and for every organ in my body that work perfectly in my body to make me a human being, for which I did nothing to deserve.

You are a really great kid, your smile always Enlighted peoples’ day since you were a baby, you have a great hearth capable of doing great things, smart, creative, talented, outgoing and very handsome. (casi un salvadoreƱo) lol.  I really hope you can make better decisions than me, hopefully way less mistakes, I’m more than sure you will have a very successful life and career, and you are capable of accomplishing anything you can “focus” on,  I’m very happy you made it to the end of your HS and I truly hope you have made your decision as to where you’re going to college and have a your goals set If not, then welcome to my life.  I was happy to see that your girlfriend got my ticket, I was happy to see how happy and handsome you looked & that she was there with you.

Regardless of what you said, (which I still can’t get over) you are my son and always will be, I will always be there for you, My doors will always be open for you, and I’m always one phone call or a text msg away. 

Hope fully one day with God’s help we can reunite and start a new healthy relationship, Until then I will be waiting while piecing my life together again, rebuilding a new future with a stronger foundation, so I can be the port terminal where my 4 boats can always come home and recharge.

“God Bless you Son!”